I miss writing in a journal on a daily basis. I love the handwriting aspect of it but at the same time I don’t feel comfortable like someone will read what I have written and its none of their business.I always pick up the journal when I’m having my worst of days and this is one of them. This morning I did some name calling and afterwards it sent me into a downward spiral. Completely dissatisfied with myself for saying. Feeling very negative and horrible. Its not the person I want to be. From that moment on my day went to crap. I found myself obsessing about my career, future, and other problems that I can’t change – RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. Maybe typing something out can’t change it but it frees my mind. I apologized about my error – not directly because I was so embarrassed by how I acted. But indirectly. It was obvious. But I still spent the rest of the day beating myself up over it.I’m doing the best that I can and its okay. Worrying about things beyond my control is a waste. I’m feeling tired from all the pulling in different directions. I’m bringing it UPON myself. Yes, its totally self inflicted. Today I vow to let it go. Right now I’m free of it. By holding onto it I’m only causing myself undue suffering. Practice mindful living in the present. Onto the situation at home. Over dramatized kitties. Its another high drama – never happy mom for myself. I’m going to let it go and let nature take its course. Freer. Happier. Less stressed. The new me being more mindful. I’ve always wanted this and I was close to attaining it but I fall into this month rut. Maybe I’ll talk to my physican about something to help with anxiety / depression but I prefer to work at being aware – or more aware.My job has been slow. I’ve been spending a lot of time wishing and hoping. Thinking about the what if’s. Either I stay or go but I need to focus on doing a good job while I’m at work – that would be right now…while I’m writing in my journal. I feel better putting this out on paper…releasing it from my mind. Its been lingering in there all day. Feeling like I’m going in circles. It’s the worries of the other situation that I’m trying to avoid. I’ll deal with it as best as I can and just move on. Drop the obsessing.