Lately I feel so helpless and it’s just not me.  I feel like I’m stuck here in this house with him and I’m not.  Why do I continue on this path? Should I consider counselling?? Gawd I’m so so sick of him and his shit.  Maybe it’s me – Maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I’m always wrong? Ya right.

It just gets so tiring. I feel we are not right together yet I don’t know what to do.  I complain about us incessantly, I’m clearly not satisfied so I how do I manage this? How do I leave? What do I do?  DO I tell him beforehand? DO I give him notice? I would want to get that sort of “respect” and I would not want to leave him high and dry either.  But then I get scared what If I change my mind or he is horrible and miserable? I’m scared and unsure what to do. She is right I know what I want I just need to go for it.  Do I do it before the holidays or after?? Gawd I just need advice from a friend I wish I had a friend who knew and could help me thru this.  She is in another planet and its of no assitance. I mean he is doing something nice for me tonight so I can I feel this way??

I want to throw up! Seriously! I know it’s horrible. How can that be? What is wrong with me? Why am I here? I guess it’s that I don’t know what to do.  It’s those first steps. I need to take them. Then I feel badly for having these feelings. Maybe I should seriously consider counselling? I’m upset with how he has handled this but he has yet to do anything right by me! hasn’t he! it’s just how i feel. 

Step one. Find a place and a time frame of when I want to move.  Step 2 tell him? Or the other way around? What if he wnats me out? Or what if he up and leaves me here?  Then what?  I don’t know.  Does it even matter. I’ll make it thru this.  Maybe I should move to SC.

I’m going to work out in a few minutes I was just going through the Motions of my web thing. I need to make a change.  For months / years I’ve been considering leaving.  Before it was financial, now it’s not!    Now I can do it with EASe so why? What am I doing? This morning I was talking to him and he basically told me he didn’t care wtf i was saying and blah blah.  It’s really not even relevant what he says, how I react to it anymore.  This just isn’t working out.  He is taking advantage of my nature and I’m just dumb.  I need to get a grip and go out the door.  So I need a definitive plan. 

The problem is a find myself all over the place.  Possibly doing this or that.  Considering this or that.  I guess the prob is I don’t really have anyone up here.  It’s just me.  That’s definitely difficult.  I love to meet a man and start a family you know.  Gawd I rember the first time I thought why did I do this and i thought omg this is like commit of like a year! cuz i didn’t want to be mean. I thought if he loved me like this then it must be right.  But its not right and it never has been. i’ve put up with so much crap so much stuff that just hasn’t been right or good. i’m all done. i need to move on because at this point i’m doing us BOTH and injustice we deserve happiness together or apart.  that’s all there is to it. i’ve considered counselling to tell me that i’m right but gawd would i be able to talk about it. its like ya ya ya this is what i want but when it comes down to it i do nothing – so is it really what i want? now is never the good or right time.  the holidays are coming!

so what do you do? i don’t know. the phone just rang .5 times. weird. i just miss the freedom of being alone. i’m not even sure i want to be with anyone ever! ya bad i know.  but not really. i guess at the very least i have my job now.  i can move on if i want.  and i want.

so ya after his comment it goes to an ugly place and he tells me but he still loves me, he just doesn’t want to listen to conversations like this.  it’s like wwow maybe you should be fucking a blow up doll then?

whatever. i’m done.

so i have stuff to do today. i had massive meltdown over the whole issue. 

 you know what here is the thing, in the beginning he talked about forever, marriage and kids.  then when the situation presented itself he didn’t in offer. didn’t even step with his benefits. nothing. he only presents more problems. the guy fucking does my mid name sooo good lord. i guess i’m just trying to confirm and convince myself to pack up and go. do you do one of those movie exits? leave when the person isn’t around and leave a note? do you talk it over? how will he react? do I need something first? can he be friendly maybe he has wanted me to go for a while.