Before the night of the procedure I looked at baby pix of me. Thinking about my family and what my baby would look like.  It my heart was breaking but things just weren’t right.  This is the most difficult and horrible thing I’ve ever done.  When I was younger, well I was younger.  But this was not right.  At the end of day I don’t DEPEND on him but I have certain expectations from a relationship that I would like and people are not going to always give you what you want but if not then that’s fine its’ time to move on. 

What I got from him? More questions. More problems.  Lack of interest.  Indifference.  When I presented issues he would say nothing.  There was no discussion.  Nothing. I dream a of  man willing to step up. One who would marry me, not idly watch me make this horrible choice and go thru this horrible procedure.  And end something that was so important and wonderful to us…but I guess it was only me.  So that’s it, we are all done. I have no words left for him. I guess this was long overdue. Its so sad that this is where it went. He always made it sound like oh I’ll do it – but never made it sound like something that made him happy. He never expressed himself. I guess I didn’t either but it was never condusive to conversation. At the same time I think its because I’m not pleased with our relationship.  As time went on I was okay with being p. I was okay with everything. My fear of a screaming kid were dulling down.  Discipline was important but something I felt that I could handle.

SO today I’m feeling thinner, less sore. Less sad. I cried myself to sleep last night alone with no one to talk to or to understand. He says he is there for me but I’ve never felt it. I don’t get him and I don’t feel like we are on the save wave length at all. I don’t know. So here I stand stay for the holidays and go thru the motions or move on?  I’m so tired of living a lie. SO tired of being like this. I deserve so much better. On friday I set up counselling and plan to start hopefully next week. I hope that whoever i talk to they can help me get myself and my life back on track.

I feel like maybe I’m drawing my experience from him. In one breath I thought to go that way towards her but they have nothing to offer me just negativity and bad vicious cycle.  It just breaks my heart cuz he means well but it never translate well into us. It never works well for us. Why?