Last night while taking a bath I had a revelation about my life and where its going.  Recently I saw the parallel between my father and the situation.  Last night, it was like I blocked it out or something.  The baby.  A week ago.  But more importantly his lack of regard for my feelings.  It’s stiff and callous.  Maybe it was a defense mechanism when he jumped at how we will divide evertyhing? Maybe it was cold of me to bring it up the way I did? But its the gawds honest truth and its not what I want. When I think of the party every year, or parties.  The lifestyle that he doesn’t want to give up.  That is more important than I am. More important than trying to be a family.  And its fine but its not what I want. 

I was thinking about how I just let it go and he’s content to keep living with me. He even fucked me twice this weekend. Gawd. I don’t get it. I don’t want it either. I’m uninterested entirely.  Everything has been about me bending to his rules.

Moving 1oo miles up here to be with him.  He mentioned moving out of town but worked harder than usual to keep us in town. I mean gawd, what was wrong w/ me? A guy behind on his minimal rent. Living in a scumbag apartment.  Unable to look for an apartment. They kept telling him to go but he DRAGGED his dumb ass. Took him well over 6 months to find a place. He totally played up the single parent bs. And that is what it was. He brought me grocery shopping and told me it was a test to see if I was domesticated – why didn’t I run? It was like I was hit with a stun gun of the shit my father did to me.  I’ve not wanted this all a long but have gone with it?! WTF.

And you know. Enough of this negative energy here. Time for me to move on. I’m a stand point. Waiting for a ft offer, yeah right.  I have a good savings but with school coming it’ll be gone.  He wants me to dump it out at Christmas. I’m doing a $100 budget this year. On everyone! Screw it. Just cuz I have the $$ doesn’t mean I should spend it all. I was going to get him a ps3 but geez someone that treats me like? Doesn’t want anything more than a fuckmate who can disrespect?

Whatever, not 100% there but close enough. The family biz is the deal closer. Just a matter of me moving on.

Well, i need to get my but in the shower.