Living life in the Precious Present Moment

self-forgiveness.

Sarah's Mama — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 12:15:02 +0000

So here is the deal, I am forgiving. I know what I want. I will have the strength to go for it. I will be there for you. I will love you and honor you with all of my heart. I promise. I realize that it may not be meant to be, and I forgive myself for decisions made in the past. Its ok. I am ok. With that said, I know that I am seeing positive signs in balance that I was lacking. I am guestimating about 3 months from now things will be somewhat normal, God willing.

School is going well. I am so proud of myself and the things I’ve accomplished in this past year. I mean truly it is amazing. I have a lot to offer and I will offer it if I can. I’ve made my intentions clear to him. He tries he really does. He gives all that he can. I have realized that sometimes it is not the same as what others give but that is totally ok. It is him and what he has.

I’ve found my old blog out there. Gawd – things have changed so much. Thank GOD. I still wonder what happened to him that it snapped. I think he really was being shook down?? It was the only way he’d relinquish that power and thank god that happened. I mean can you believe the recovery I made from basically being a prisoner? Its no wonder I’ve had some minor set backs. I forgive myself. I’ve done so well.

on track

Sarah's Mama — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:11:25 +0000

ok so my goal is to get back down to 130. to lead a healthier lifestyle no matter what.

Exercise – kickbox, weight life toning exercises, walked 2 miles.

Diet -

Dunkin, medium black with sugar, small cup of black with sugar, a small REGULAR iced coffee, a bagel with cream cheese.

Veggie burger and whole grain wheat thins with regular hummus

snack – wheat thins with peanut butter

beer = 1 bud light

dinner…?

Will total on dailyplate.

better.

Sarah's Mama — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:48:18 +0000

I remember when I used to write in my journal everyday. I guess there are certain growth spurts in life and its just not for you at the moment in time. I’ve been very busy for the past year with a new job, going to college part-time and other issues. I’ve recently suffered from a knee injurty and I haven’t been working out like I used to. It’s been hard for me to be kind to myself in regards to that. I’m a totally different place mentally. Yes I have my problems but from where I was before? It’s like nite and day. He and I good and have been for the most part. There some things about how he deals that are just bull shit but either I tell him what I think or I don’t. If I don’t like his reaction we don’t have to continue this journey.

I am feeling tubby. I want to lost about 15 – 20. Its steadily gone up over the years. I guess that’s what happens. I saw an article about Jennifer Love losing weight and she looks great. Incredible in comparison to before. Its funny how much a difference extra weight can make.

here i am

Sarah's Mama — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 12:03:03 +0000

So here I am. I wish that I had tomorrow off but I’ll be ok, I will have the next one off. Its kind of been a long week for me. Probably because things are a little bit slower. Each month I go thru this. The stage where I love him, then I hate him, then I’m just indifferent and back to love again. I also have the want baby day and don’t want, every other day. I don’t get that at all. Maybe I just need constant upheaval? I’m eating grapenuts and raisins in warm water for breakfast. Its okay, not my favorite but I’ve been steadily gaining weight and need to trim back on meals and snacks. My plan is to do a Monday – Friday eating light and no snacks. When I go out for eats I can have what I want. Or parties, special events. Otherwise no more buying candy, chips and snackies. This is a great idea. Maybe a list of acceptable “snacks” like fruit. I keep thinking oh I lost my way but I didn’t have a “way” before. I was forced into a “way”. I love who I am. I’ve made choices and not all great, and its always been that way but this life. Live and learn. I have a feeling its no longer possible and that scares me. But at the same time its almost a relief. Its what I want but I’m afraid I cannot handle it. Or that we are not right. I mean I can complain to high hell about him this or that but its not relevant. Its my choice to be with him. Its all my choice. Last night he was talking in his sleep about his friends. Its like coming home and being so enamored with them, its kind of creepy.

gone

Sarah's Mama — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 12:14:12 +0000

I know he can sense that my forgiveness is dwindling.

are we over?

Sarah's Mama — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 12:13:31 +0000

It’s been a while and I really feel like I need explore my feelings. We went from Point A. When I was in that situation as soon as it happened I felt this total clarity that I wanted to be not with h. But I did nothing. I thought about my options but did nothing. We’ve discussed things. But the thing is here he is under a guise online chatting with women. They are not for real either sooo I would guess that he knows they aren’t but what if they extended a legit offer? I think he’d go in a heartbeat. I think he’d also reveal it to me in such a way that would be horrifying. I have feeling that he did that on purpose with that girl. He made it sound like they were not a big deal and he’s listed as “single”. I mean wtf. That’s crap. I have been nothing but loyal to him…well, I’ve talked to actual people and ya I’ve said crap about him but its been in private and that is that. I just wish it was easier. Maybe I’ll be buy a house and just leave him. Most of the time I’m ok but is OKAY good enough? We deserve better than this and possibly he’s preparing this ?? I have made it clear then he asked his mom what she thought? Well I wouldn’t know if I was not spying and I ask my mom everything.

it happens all the time

Sarah's Mama — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 13:12:28 +0000

Whenever I am anxious about anything I fall back onto this feeling that I need to break it off. When the issue that I’m anxious about passes then I feel good and okay with us again. Am I just a horrible person or do other people do this? It seems mean and wrong. hmmm I guess if I consider this for a moment and think about me in terms of anxiety and how I “deal” with things maybe I can put things into persoepctive. At the end of the day he is always considerate and good to me! If I ask him to help me out he always does without falter. I think we have our flaws. I think for sooo long I planned go go go go go go. I lost sight of who he was. I wonder if I wanted to go because I could not? If it was because for so many years I was trapped in a situation where I was LITERALLY stuck and I was trying to “recreate” that instead of living. Poor me, still a prisoner when in truth this is my choice and he’s actually a really great guy who loves me dearly.

Its kind of weird how my thoughts have changed and evolved over time. Sometiems I feel like I am just settlinhg though. Do we all feel like that when we are in relationships? I mean what else is there? There is no brad pitt. I mean Brad Pitt probably isn’t even the “Brad Pitt”. Sexy in a still a dick in person? Sometimes we forget. My anxiety is in high gear I’m worry about dying, staying.

I have an apt that will take all of us but should we go? I think about how quiet and calm it’ll be then starting over? Gawd i cannot be bothered. He’ll give me a family if I want it. I can work on my degree and save$$. I don’t know. I contacted a counsellor maybe if I deal with what he did to me I can deal with now. Robin she lives today. Forgets the past. Doesn’t get wrapped up in feelings. Maybe when I feel I am dissatisfied then I need to just break it off and move forward? I am young still. I wonder about true love and that feeling but can’t imagine feeling it ever again. I think he stole that from me. Which is what brings me back to him and how I think we are good together.

arriving.

Sarah's Mama — Wed, 28 May 2008 10:21:08 +0000

I woke up this morning and started to realize that I’m ok. I have to put that crap together for this weekend but its really just a matter of organzing. I guess I get kind of sick of not being…

BRB.

yesterday and today

Sarah's Mama — Sun, 11 May 2008 16:37:44 +0000

yesterday what a difference

today wow

the pain in my heart

so now she’s online.

Now she is gone.

She’s have a boy.

I’M HAVIG NOTHING

oh well i’m tired 3am and i’m still awake starng at the clock

I still exist

Sarah's Mama — Mon, 05 May 2008 10:09:24 +0000

My confusion and lack of answers does make sense. I was feeling 100% with very little tinge for a long time and I was considering leaving. Then it happened and I told no one because?? I don’t know I needed time to think – think – think but here I am still with no answer. I was scheduled for 3 appts but have followed thru with NONE. I have an appt tomorrow. Do I go to it and not even tell him? I mean gawd how could I go thru with this again. On Saturday I longed for their relationship but would it be mine would I be good? I doubt it.

I want her to come back and she is considering but will she be disappointed that I continue on with this ruse? I wonder if after its done and over I settle back in I wonder if I should just end it right now. I mean for the 100 bad days I only had one good that was a bummer. The smoking is sickening to me. Plus being in this state does not help. I dug this situation just like every other time. School is going great and so is my job. Its about time right? Now if I could get this part right?