So here I am. I wish that I had tomorrow off but I’ll be ok, I will have the next one off. Its kind of been a long week for me. Probably because things are a little bit slower. Each month I go thru this. The stage where I love him, then I hate him, then I’m just indifferent and back to love again. I also have the want baby day and don’t want, every other day. I don’t get that at all. Maybe I just need constant upheaval? I’m eating grapenuts and raisins in warm water for breakfast. Its okay, not my favorite but I’ve been steadily gaining weight and need to trim back on meals and snacks. My plan is to do a Monday – Friday eating light and no snacks. When I go out for eats I can have what I want. Or parties, special events. Otherwise no more buying candy, chips and snackies. This is a great idea. Maybe a list of acceptable “snacks” like fruit. I keep thinking oh I lost my way but I didn’t have a “way” before. I was forced into a “way”. I love who I am. I’ve made choices and not all great, and its always been that way but this life. Live and learn. I have a feeling its no longer possible and that scares me. But at the same time its almost a relief. Its what I want but I’m afraid I cannot handle it. Or that we are not right. I mean I can complain to high hell about him this or that but its not relevant. Its my choice to be with him. Its all my choice. Last night he was talking in his sleep about his friends. Its like coming home and being so enamored with them, its kind of creepy.

I know he can sense that my forgiveness is dwindling.

It’s been a while and I really feel like I need explore my feelings. We went from Point A. When I was in that situation as soon as it happened I felt this total clarity that I wanted to be not with h. But I did nothing. I thought about my options but did nothing. We’ve discussed things. But the thing is here he is under a guise online chatting with women. They are not for real either sooo I would guess that he knows they aren’t but what if they extended a legit offer? I think he’d go in a heartbeat. I think he’d also reveal it to me in such a way that would be horrifying. I have feeling that he did that on purpose with that girl. He made it sound like they were not a big deal and he’s listed as “single”. I mean wtf. That’s crap. I have been nothing but loyal to him…well, I’ve talked to actual people and ya I’ve said crap about him but its been in private and that is that. I just wish it was easier. Maybe I’ll be buy a house and just leave him. Most of the time I’m ok but is OKAY good enough? We deserve better than this and possibly he’s preparing this ?? I have made it clear then he asked his mom what she thought? Well I wouldn’t know if I was not spying and I ask my mom everything.